Fantastic Voyage - The Energy Mall: first script draft
Here is the first draft for my script, there are a few jokes in there that I'm not sure are particularly appropriate, especially at the start, a little risky but I found them funny and though they fitted in with the nature of the story.
I'm imagining the narrator to a voice similar to someone like Paul Frees, Thurl Ravenscroft or Sebastian Cabot.
Also here are the additional design ideas for the other energy stores, that might help with some of the gags and visualizing them. I know they are pencil scans, I didn't want to post them until they were fully digitalized, but they help with getting the full idea across.
Okay - so, while I love the dildo gag, no chemistry teacher would go near it - I think the JML joke will date and not mean anything in the end, and you can't ever make a joke out of Hiroshima. Lots of this script is really good - but trust me when I say cut the jokes that aren't wholesome; remember your audience. So... a lot of the work here is being done by the narrator - so not lip-synching of characters - but there's an implied complexity to your character designs, which I really think you need to look at - this concept only works if you introduce all 10 of your characters, so you can't run out of time in terms of the animation and only do 'half of them' - for that reason, I'm pushing you to think more practically about your experience of 3D and the time it takes in terms of animation to bring anything decently to life - and just find a 'sweet spot' in style terms that sets up a method or recipe you can use and repeat - so accessorising a basic body shape, for example - you need a scenario in which you're getting the very most from what you're modelling - and I don't think you're yet thinking practically enough about the relationship between what you're scripting and what you're going to have to produce. This isn't a criticism - it's experience talking. You're script is fun and zingy and you're showing real writing talent here, but do yourself a favour and THINK like a 3D modeller and animator too :)
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